What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
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We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
when she block me on everything
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
become ungovernable
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.