What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The only equipped I am is ill.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.