What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
hmm conte-me mais
uh oh
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
True story 🤣
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.