Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Just this preview of the story is enough

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.