What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
You Might Also Like
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked