What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean