What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
🏙👨🏼
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Pat is about to own someone
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
