what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.