what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
This meal prepping shit easy
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.