Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.