Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]