Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?