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Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?