Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”