What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You Might Also Like
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep