What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I love the honesty
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
birds and squirrels envy us
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
