What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
how to have an accident 101
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶