HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
so this horse walks into a bar
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
6. me as a lawyer
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz