“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
You Might Also Like
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.