what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Self-cleaning conscience
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!