what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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adding to the discourse
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Noah
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
figuring out my emotional availability:
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!