what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
reviewed some movies recently
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.