what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?