“What movie?” 🤔
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
How can I say no to this ?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.