“What movie?” 🤔
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**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Fries, not lies.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
whatcha thinkin bout
