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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope