“What movie?” 🤔
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I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
One of the best
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.