“What movie?” 🤔
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.