“What movie?” 🤔
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
😂🤣😂🤣
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time