“What movie?” 🤔
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
2022 will be better than 2021
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
