What my back needs
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
What?!?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”