Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…