Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen