What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.