What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Simple enough.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.