What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century