Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Talk about a bad egg

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

LMAO.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.