What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
You Might Also Like
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls