what my late-night hot pocket sees
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Here’s a meme
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
It’s the weekend y’all
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.