What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]