Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine