Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.