Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.