What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
peep davidson
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.