What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
How about daylight saves us for once
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.