What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
😂🖐️
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
