What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
