What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Showerkraut
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
