Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.