What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house