What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
