What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.