What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.