What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
In Canada they just call them geese
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
scares
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
