What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
handsome & gretel
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god