What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY