What number SPF blocks people?
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Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.