What number SPF blocks people?
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
i made a craigslist ad !
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”