What number SPF blocks people?
You Might Also Like
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
A family that plays together cheats.
Print is alive and well!!!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial