What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
You Might Also Like
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Nice try, NASA
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.