Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”