Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.