what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.