what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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I have no passwords left in me
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
new dr. seuss book dropping:
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Good lord
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When life hands you women, make women laid.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.