what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
You Might Also Like
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
This is my pinned tweet
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
