What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS