What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
You Might Also Like
I’ve been drinking.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Made something I’m not proud of
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.