What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
You Might Also Like
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
(Jupiter –
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I think I’m having a stroke
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN