Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”