Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not