What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Mornin
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.