Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

is he marrying that labradoodle

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.