Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.