What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Liquor Store Parking
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field