What personal space?
My dog
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
can’t talk my ride’s here
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?