What personal space?
My dog
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Do not steal food from the science building!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.