Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.