What personal space?
My dog
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.