Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

@funTweeters

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.